This is why…

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The words i love you, i think is the most abused word by us human beings. Yes nobody is perfect but we tend to say things that we don’t really mean.Or  things that we thought were true only in our heads. We also say things that we can’t really fight for. We say it but we can’t prove it.

I love you. ah.. sweet words that can melt your heart. Words that can set fire to your sleeping heart. Three words that can also break someone’s heart.

Before, thinking about you made me smile no matter what the situation was. I didn’t care about what was happening in the real world. You just made everything so easy and blissful. You really were my everything; maybe that’s why i gave you my everything. I never got tired of looking at your eyes or talking to you for hours about anything under the sun.I could almost feel forever. I almost believed that you loved me.How stupid of me for a thousand times! Just because i believe in happy endings does not mean that i would have one. And that is what you have made me realize.

How do you know you love someone? How do you know that you love me? Is it only based on your feelings? Is it only about the way i make you feel?

For me..

It’s not just about what i feel, or how you make me feel.

I knew i loved you because i was willing to do anything for you.

I was ready to give up everything for you.

I wanted to tell everyone about you.And i did. I was proud of you.

I gave you my present and my future.But you did not want it.

You really hurt me so so much..and the funny thing is i am still hurting.

You were never really mine.Maybe you were ashamed of me or i did not fit your standards.

Whatever your reason is..It’s killing me.

Now, thinking about you makes my tears fall down as easy as your lies you told me.Thinking about you makes me want to give up on everything.You showed me just how unfair love can be.You proved me that some things are just not meant to be no matter how happy it made you feel.

I can’t explain why there is no forever.

I don’t need to.

I am already the living proof why it does not exist.

I am your nothing

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I am sorry because you have mistaken me for someone i am not.

I am not your everything.

I am not the love of your life.

I am not your happiness.

I am not enough.

but i know…

I am your secret.

I am your lie.

I am the one thing that you are too scared to have in your life.

I am someone that you need to forget.

I am your nothing.

There is no need to  comfort me with your sweet words. It will just cause me more pain.You don’t need to explain. I know everything, well maybe not everything but enough to wake me up. All this time i have been dreaming.Dreaming that at last someone truly loves me the way i want to be loved. I thought i was finally one of the lucky ones. It felt good. It felt almost perfect.

I thought you were the one. The person who would change the way i look at life, at love.  You made me feel happy for a while.I have to thank you for that. In this life we have to appreciate the small things.So even  though we did not have the chance for your forever, or my lifetime, i am still thankful for the memories.

Thank you.

Don’t

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Don’t tell me you love me when you really don’t.

Don’t tell me you’ve given me your heart when you can’t.

Don’t tell me that your life belongs to me when you can’t even stand up for me.

Don’t tel me that you want me to be happy when all you’ve done is lie to me.

You don’t know how much pain you are causing me right now.

I am dying again.

Don’t tell me that you are mine when you belong to someone else.

Don’t think about me when you are also thinking about someone else.

Don’t tell me that i am your life when you can’t even prove it to yourself.

Words will only be words.

But your words are the most painful  words that i have ever felt.

I believed you and so this is my fault.

I loved you and now i am crying inside.

I chose to give you my everything and now nothing is left but just pain.

You are just like one of them.You are them.

But don’t tell me again that you love me, because even you know that i am nothing to you.

Worth the pain

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It’s funny how pain is felt regardless of your age,race and status in life. 

Pain. All of us have experienced it one way or the other.Whether you are young or already old, pain has played or could still be playing a part in your life.You cannot completely ran away from it.You can try to pretend or do something to forget the pain but it will still find you. Believe  me it will find you.And when it does find you  should just smile at it.Try to accept it, because there is nothing more you can do but to feel it.

Some of us including me, are afraid to take chances. Especially if we are unsure of the outcome.We are not sure if that chance will not turn into another failure and cause us so much pain that it would make us hate life or regret taking that chance in the first place.Truth is  we are afraid to get hurt so we protect ourselves from everything. The wall that prevents us from seeing what is out there.It is not only the pain or failures that we desperately try  to hide away from; but also the beauty of life.The love and happiness that makes us strong;we also hide from it.

Honestly, i don’t like pain. And i will never enjoy it. Yes,they say that pain is what reminds you that you are still alive but so does love..right? Since i can’t totally remove pain while living this life, i would rather face it.Feel it.but not too much…i don’t want to live my life in constant pain.So maybe i’ll have a little bit of pain..maybe a teaspoon of it,a sprinkle of someone’s smile, a cup of love,and 1 litre of happiness cooked at the right temperature of contentment.

BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS WORTH ALL THE PAIN.So that it will not be pain anymore, but just LOVE.

Would you dare?

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 I dare you to love me.Love me with everything that you’ve got.To love me until it hurts.I  dare you to give me your whole heart.I dare you to love me like there’s no tomorrow.

I dare you to know the real me.Would you still adore me if you knew who i really was?  Would you still look at me the same way you looked at me the first time we’ve met. I dare you to see my flaws and still think that i am perfect for you.I dare you to see me.

I dare you to spend  your life with me knowing that i am not perfect and never will be. Can you be with me even if i don’t believe in forever? Will you stay even if  i might hurt you someday?I dare you to live your life loving me.

I dare you to make promises and make sure that you don’t break it.

I dare you to give me your time.

I dare you to cry for me.Fall for me. 

I dare you to feel me and still be with me.

I dare you to be with me everyday.

I dare you to be in love with me when i am selfish.

I dare you to still love when i can’t love you the way you love me. Love me when i can’t love myself.

Blind.Deaf.Mute.

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There are people who are too blind to see what they already have. Too blind to see how lucky they are. So they go on searching endlessly for what they thought they needed.They complain everyday of how unfortunate they are for not having the things that they wanted.When all this time..the only thing that they needed was right in front of them.They just failed to see it.Or maybe they did see it but they failed to know it’s value.Most of the time we only know the value of something when it’s already gone.

There are people who listen to you but are really deaf.They can hear the words you speak but could not understand you at all.Many of us hear only what we want to hear. It is not that we cannot hear, but it’s just that we don’t want to hear it.Listening is easy yet we fail to do it. We want people to listen to us but we don’t want to listen to other people.

There are people who know how to speak but don’t speak at all.Afraid and tired that others might not understand what he/she is trying to say; too scared to be judged. Instead they keep it inside their mind forever. But there are people who talk and talk but nothing useful comes out of their mouth.People who talk without thinking. The ones who have nothing to say but only meaningless words that only contributes to the garbage that keeps on piling up. And no one dares to throw this garbage because they think that they might need it someday.

And finally, the day comes when all of us become totally blind,deaf and mute.

That will be the day we realize what we had but failed to appreciate it.

This one’s for you

 This is for what we had before and for everything that made us happy.

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When i first saw you,i thought to myself..hmmm she does not look the same in her profile picture. But i still wanted to know you better.And so i did.

You were confident and i felt it. Actually it made me feel  uncomfortable.I usually have this space between me and another person but you immediately destroyed it. haha.. that’s how confident you were.We haven’t even talked yet in person, and you were already so close to me. When you held my hand, i felt my heart beat very fast as if i was running for my life.You surprised me.Anyway, i enjoyed that day and i wanted to spend more time with you.

After that day, i constantly kept on bothering you. I kept on asking you out almost everyday.I wanted to see you.It’s like you put some sort of spell on me;i could not help myself from not seeing you.I was so eager to be with you.I wanted to love you.And so i did.

I loved you before you have even started to love me.It was not an easy road convincing you that what i was feeling for you is true. It’s like i was constantly begging you to love me.How pathetic right? I did not give up no matter how many times i thought that it was going nowhere. I did not care how stupid i looked.All i knew was that i will do my best as long  as i have feelings for you.I needed to prove to you that  i really loved you. And so i did.

I gave you my time, my love and the truth.

Time because i did not have enough time to do all the things that i wanted to do while also wanting to be with you. I had to choose between you and everything that i planned to do.I was scared but i chose you.I gave you my 24/7.  🙂

Love…ah love… something that i  kept on giving you.You wouldn’t accept it at first but eventually you did. In the past, i also gave it to other people.The difference is you were the first one who had difficulty accepting it.It hurt me before but it did not stop me from not giving it you.Now i feel so childish thinking about what i did. I  am sorry for forcing you to love me. I was pressuring you to accept my love.

The truth. I think that this was your favorite gift from me. No one in my family or my close friends knew the truth.The truth about me.About us. It was my first time to tell them and you were there. I did it for you. I thought i was going to die.It was a difficult thing for me to do.You were happy  and that was all that mattered to me.

I hope i made you feel loved when we were together.You wanted someone who would make you believe in forever.And i am so sorry for not being that person.

But i am the person who wants you to be happy.Who believes that someday you will have your forever.